… Okay I Googled “ugly wedding” because, I am sorry but, the wedding industry has offered up a lot of material in the ugly category. Thought I’d see what it would yield for a little Friday afternoon pick me up… I WAS NOT DISAPPOINTED! Check out this lovely lass on the happiest day of her life. Wow did she nail the classic look or what??

Maybe this one should have gone with RED instead of white for her big day… Oh and by they way, this image was aptly named “wedding beast”.

… It only seems appropriate that this post should follow my last post. Some of you might read it and assume I found jesus or something like that, but no I still worship only one god, the ski mountain.

Anyway to my point… As shameful as it is to admit I was listening to 95 triple x this morning during my commute to work. While I was listening they played the below quote from some random movie:

“…did you say you wanted cheese on your burger sweetheart?”

“No I said I wanted to find whoever invented love and hack him up with a machete”

Ha, I laughed and agreed. Because who can’t relate to that at some point in their life? And then came my introspective moment… ugh.

I realized that I have spent the majority of my 32 years as a single person. That alone could be reason for depression, if I cared or was not the worlds pickiest person. As you know per my last post I went through a break up about 3 mos ago. I wish I could say I am past it more than I really am, but I am not. This I find especially troublesome because if I was a friend of mine, I’d be rolling my eyes and telling myself to get over it already. I have about no tolerance for this type of behavior in myself or others, but alas…

So what’s the mushy part you ask?

It is the thought that followed right after the acknowledgment that I am always single… that’s when it hit me. It is so completely dull to always be single. I mean this should be obvious based soley on the sheer lack of accessible sex, but it was not to me. I concluded I’d rather be heartbroken (even for longer than the allowable allotted time) than to just not take the chance. The chance is fun, the dating is fun, more often than not the sex is fun, really fun. So why not, right?

Maybe I grew a little with this revelation. Maybe my heart was like the Grinch’s heart on that faithful Christmas morning. When he heard the Who’s sing their Whoville song and his heart grew 10 sizes that day … Okay, maybe mine just grew one size.

… and I got nothing. I mean I should have plenty having been dumped this week and all… usually that is material for the taking. BUT, I seem to be moving along just swimmingly. I will say that I have enjoyed anything that has made me laugh this week. Starting with the ridiculously BAD hair cut I inflicted on my poor dog and this little Friday pep me up sent to me by an old co-worker. Super Pug, check that bitch OUT!

NO one… I mean NO ONE could not turn that frown upside down after seeing this. Not possible.

Happy Friday.

… Okay maybe I rag on the guy too much. Or maybe my expectations are too high. BUT, I mean it’s Jimmy Fallon. He REPLACED Conan. So is it asking to much that when he tweets, or as I like to call it twats, that it be funny? I don’t think so.

I will say that today he did me proud, finally. He freaking played beer pong with BETTY WHITE. That is cool. Hands down.

I mean need I say more. I haven’t met one I like.

I call my friend this weekend to tell her the time of a party and she response with the dreaded “we’re trying on dresses” and then as if it could not get any worse “it’s floor length”. I sarcastically ask “Oh and it is pink right?” To my horror she response “YES!”

Not only that, when I finally got all the details she informs me her sister wanted them to get the shoes that you die to match the dress! Imagine pink satin pumps, oh i just had a physical reaction to that. This is a practice I thought died in the Bridesmaids Mutiny of 1989, along with big hair and puffy sleeves.

The above describes the worst possible nightmare of all women who have ever been asked to be a bridesmaid. You know a few things going into it like you are going to pay way to much for the dress, it will be 3-4 sizes too big, you’ll pay way to much to have it tailored, have to buy matching shoes to all the other bridesmaids and that you will NEVER under most normal circumstances wear this rag, ever again. EVEN if you paid upwards of $400 on the whole kit and kaboodle. With all that, you just assume, hope or PRAY that your bride won’t be the one who chooses the shiny, pink, floor-length dress with dies-to-match satin pumps.

And still not ever being 100% sure if she will be YOU except… are you crazy, maybe. Can you afford it, no. But you do it because A. this is your dear friend and B. you are plotting your revenge counter dress, which in my case is that crappy dress you made me wear!

Isn’t that what it fells like when it is a beautiful spring day and you have to work. Not only is it one of the first and few warm spring days, but you don’t even have much to DO at work. So your just sitting there glancing outside on occasion dreaming of being out there, reading, riding a bike, sunbathing, running, walking, napping, crafting or anything really. But instead  you are stuck inside staring at a computer screen that is sucking the LIFE out of you.

Man boredom can be exhausting.

… My friends had a baby boy yesterday on, Cinco-de-Mayo. Swine flue aside, this would have given them a lot to celebrate had they been of Mexican decent. But alas they are Irish. Although I wanted them to call him Obama Jr, which would make  him a Muslim right? (Just kidding, you would be appalled at the number of people who still think that!)

Oh what a time to be born into this world, gay marriage is spreading nothing like a wild fire, but happening none-the -less (yeah!), the economy is in the shitter (thanks Bush), we have a black president (yeah again!), and there is a swine flu break out (I think a republican senator actual did try to blame that on the Dems).

Did I mention we have our first black president and he can form full, intelligent sentences off the cuff. That my friends outweighs a lot of the other items previously listed if you ask me.

Welcome to the world little Jacky BABY!

Oh and of course Baby Jack didn’t escape my crafty side:

f-ing Martha, she is on sirus right now, thinking about calling her to get my fix.

… and I do not use that word lightly. I mean killer, come on what am surfing in the OC?

Anyway, a picture is worth 1000 words so let me sum it up and let them do the talking.

Friday, I think I connected with my true spirit and started crafting. I have already become a mad craft blog hunter. This includes baked goods as well, and I would hate to admit it but I have a new appreciation for Martha “the Jailbird” Stewart. Dinner with great friends and some additional crafting until the wee hours of the night.

Saturday, 3 Burlington bike swaps and I found my new love. A Trek 1500, 47 cm. Perfect,  perfect, perfect. Add my mother’s old bike rack and we are in business. Not to mention watching Mike in his element was priceless. Whipped up some millionaires shortbread and it was quite a day.

Sunday, might be the topper! Started the day by crafting up a quick baby blanket for my friends husband (I broke down and got him a Yankees print fleece, yuck). Then it was off to Stowe for an 8 mile ride (jokingly (?) named the Tour de Stowe), quick scrub and off to Thunder Road opening day! That’s right I crowned the weekend with T-Road, love.

Okay so maybe that was a bit wordy… but here you go:

My crafty coat-rack:

My lovely bike:

T-road!!!

… not get billed for an extra month or come in there to fill out a form. I just want to CANCEL it. Seems simple right? So a few months ago the Olympiad was closed and all of its members (myself included) were transferred to the Sports and Fitness Edge (aka Twin Oaks). We got the FULL MONTY membership, all locations, pools, classes, the works, for a mere 50$ a month. Which is about 20$ cheaper than a normal membership.

Well I was never very good about actually getting to the gym to begin with, so add to it that this one is overcrowded and further away… I was not impressed. The space is smaller and good luck getting  a treadmill or through a weight routine without 7 people in front of you.

It is also Spring and I’d much rather take my exercises elsewhere… like the great outdoors. Add to that the fact that as a UVM alumni I can get a 6 mos membership for $44/mo or a year for about $33/mo, why would I stay!? The UVM gym also rocks.

So I finally decided that it is time to quit the Sports and Fitness edge and as an added bonus I can save some money over the summer (that I was clearly wasting anyway) . I set a reminder in my calendar prior to May 1st, to make sure I won’t forget. Monday, April 26th rolls around and I give them a call  to cancel. Well they tell me that is fine, but they still have to bill me for May…

Excuse me?

Yeah, we bill 2 weeks in advance.

Well I want to cancel now and don’t plan on using the gym in May so is there someone I can speak to?

Yes, but you will have to call our other location and they MAY be able to credit you but I don’t think so.

So I call the location ask to speak to whoever is in charge of billing about canceling my membership automatic payments. Oh she’s not there, would you like to leave a message. Sure, thanks. Well that was Monday it is Thursday and I still have not heard from her.

I already decided Tuesday that it was best if I call and make sure to cancel my membership for May 1st, just to be safe.

Hi, I’d like to cancel my membership. I left a message Monday for the billing lady and haven’t heard, but I just wanted to cancel so you have it on record.

Oh you have to come in to for that.

Excuse me?

Yeah, I am pretty sure you have to come in. That seems silly would you like me to check?

Yes, please, because I mean the whole reason I am canceling is because I can’t get to the gym. So making me come in to cancel, seems a little ridiculous right?

Well fortunately the nice girl who answered the phone put me on with member services and the gentleman there was also nice enough to fill out the form for me.  So one crisis averted. But I will still be charged for May and Deb still hasn’t called back to help me with my credit.

Here are my thoughts on this:

1. WTF can’t you stop a payment 5 days in advance of it going through?

2. WHO the hell made the policy that you have to go in to cancel your memebership. If I belong to a golf club do I have to go in to cancel, NO.  If I have a subscription to a paper do I have to visit the offices to cancel, NO. Yes, I can see how this little annoying policy gets an extra month or two out of the lazy saps such as myself, but COME ON!

3. NO one ASKED me why I wanted to cancel… NOT ONE person. What kind of business model is that? They assume I am too lazy to get my ass over there. Yeah they might be right, but I also had some other thoughts that would probably improve the place for all their clients.

In summary, still no call from my buddy Deb in the billing department (she’s probably the same Deb that runs my Condo association, who can’t manage to cash our monthly checks more than 3 times a year or return emails or phone calls). I was able to cancel over the phone, but will be billed for May…. Or so they think. I cancelled the card they have on file, so take that.

… I am working and I had a few minutes to spare. I thought “Well I’ll write another post to the company blog and try to pick a topic that applies to not just one section of our client base, but to all of them.” So trying to think of a topic, I realize quite a number of our clients have blogs and few of them actually take the time to actively blog. They are lazy. So I punch “Lazy Blogger” into goolge.

I found the most delightful site. Not really work appropriate so I am sharing it with you all. It is the “Lazy Blogger Post Generator”.  Here is the result of my efforts:

Blimey! I just got slapped with a wet salmon – really – I have not updated this since Paris Hilton was in jail… You would not believe the amount of people that are totally stalking me. Dudes!

I am swilling chardonnay while setting fire to people wearing Crocs, rock crushing and  just generally being a Darling to anyone unfortunate to cross my path. My day drifts aimlessly from the light through yonder window breaks to I run out of alcohol. I am quite the socialite. but this damned rock is heavy.

I will try to remember I promised you I will write something that makes sense soon. Go with God, good friends. What do you mean you don’t believe me?

The funny thing is I feel this generated blog post does really capture my voice.  Takes all the guess work out of blogging really… if you ever see references to me crushing rocks or getting whacked with fish, you can be pretty sure I was having a lazy day.