But I did want the VW Tiguan when my last lease ran out and now I have one… And the prior car VW Rabbit was an I want and THAT was preceded by my VW Passat Wagon I want. My condo also falls under this category, although when I purchased it 4 years ago I was being paid a measly salary that still give me heartburn to think about. I wanted to buy a place,  so I did.

The I wants can be good and they can be bad. The problem is I tend to get what I want, even if I have to wait for it (I hate waiting). My I want track record is such that I haven’t even allowed myself to contemplate life with a new pet since I lost my dog a few weeks ago. I won’t go on petfinder or even drive by the shelter… because the second I spend time thinking about it, there will be a dog at my house looking for a butt scratch.

BUT right now I’ve got the I wants and I’ve got them bad…

I want this house, this perfect little house. It’s the right location and it’s in great condition and the layout is, for the size, well… perfect. Sure it has an avocado stove, but I can live with it. So here’s the dilemma: I can’t afford it. I mean I can just afford it if I sell my place at a good price.

So do I do the adult thing? Do I stay in my perfectly adequate condo and live within my means? I really WANT to think long and hard about that one.

So… to that end… I now declare that:

1. There are no rules to dating, everyone’s fucked, so just go have a good time and don’t try so damn hard. Oh and don’t ask me for advice because those posts were all written in frustration because of my damn friends.

2. Farmhouse now boast the best burger in Burlington, although the turkey one is without fail dry so steer clear. Daily Planet has lost this title because they appear to be having an identity crisis. However, I have yet to check out the burgers served out the back of the Chubby Muffin, I hear they are fantastic. (see previous: Burger Me posts)

3. I maintain that Jimmy Fallon is still not that funny.

And that’s all I have for now…

Dear Tech Support Team:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child-processes that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities. Applications such as BachelorNights 10.3, Cricket 5.0 ,  BeerWithBuddies 7.5 , and Outings 3.6 no longer runs, crashing the system whenever selected. I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0 , but the ‘uninstall ‘ doesn’t work on Wife 1.0.

Please help!

Thanks,
“A Troubled User “

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that people complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 5.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow this. (Look in your Wife 1.0 Manual under Warnings-Alimony- Child Support) .. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the environment. I suggest installing the
background application ” Yes Dear” to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean 2.5, Sweep 3.0 , Cook 1.5 and DoLaundry 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NagNag 9.5 .
Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Sarees 2.1 and Jewellery 5.0

STATUTORY WARNING : DO NOT, under any circumstances, install SecretaryWith Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support ….

So the date is set and on the day of the date, the guy sends me a photo of himself, so I’ll be able to identify him. Upon opening his photo I am filled with dread and begin wondering if there is a polite way to get out of this date. I consult a few friends, and my own moral compass,  but ultimately decide that I have no out. Besides, it’s just one drink and he’s paying. Even I can make it though an hour with this guys.

I show up to the bar he’s selected (the worst bar in town) and he’s wearing Teva’s circa 1991 and a braided belt with khaki shorts and a Black Dog t-shirt. An outfits that should have been left in ’91 and that expressed no effort what-so-ever on his part. He proceeds to stare at my breasts through most of our drinks and the conversation is lacking at best. I am of course itching to get out of there and secretly glad he chose a bar no one I know would ever go to. Finally I’ve said I have to go and we get the check. I do the reach for my wallet thing and say oh I only have 10$…. WHICH HE TAKES! Mind you he did the asking so he should be paying.

Finally I am free and glad to have this date behind me. Assuming he’s just as uninterested in me as I am in him… or so I think.

I end up meeting friends out at another bar that night. We are sitting at a booth when the date from hell walks by. I say “Hi” to be polite, and what does he do? HE SITS DOWN WITH US… uninvited, offers me some of his fries. The guy who didn’t even buy my drink earlier. I say no thank you, exchange some niceties and introduce him around. Hoping that will be the end of it and he’ll leave… but no he doesn’t leave.  At this point everyone at the table has figured out who he is and that he’s about the last person I wanted to ever see again. We’ve all more or less stopped including him in our conversations and I even got up and moved to another table.

Yet, he stays. His friends come over to say they are leaving and he still stays. He even gives one of them the “That’s the girl look, I want to stay and hang out with her”. Is he serious?

I actually get up and go into the next room to “listen to the band”, and he comes in there and lingers behind the wall my friends have created to block him.  We finally had to leave the bar altogether to shake this guy. What a nightmare!

So just a few rules of dating blindly:

1. Know and like the person setting you up. Always good to make sure they like you too and you trust their taste in men.

2. If at all possible get a photo before the date is confirmed.

3. Keep the plan short and sweet. That way if it is a disaster, you’ve already got an excuse to leave.

4. Go home and hibernate after the date, because sometimes they just won’t die!

• Love & Olive Oil
• When Harry Met Salad (awesome name)
• Cooking During Stolen Moments (click here for bacon maple cookies)

Enjoy!

In general we, women, tend to over complicate and over analyze everything. Something I was doing when this advice was doled out to me mere hours ago. So first of all don’t waste your time trying to read into every glance, hand gesture or simple statement he makes. Take his word for what it is, literally verbatim. Maybe you don’t like what you hear, but that doesn’t make it untrue and there is no hidden meaning. You are wasting your time and probably missing out on the good stuff if you go there, so don’t.

In turn communicate simply. Don’t start freaking out because your boyfriend didn’t call you to tell you he was going somewhere when you’ve never before expressed that if he makes plans it would be nice to know ahead of time. If that’s something you need from him to make you feel OK, then you have to tell him and you have to say those exact words. Don’t hint around at it and hope he figures out that the 6 missed calls and 4 text messages wondering where his is are the same as saying: “If you make plans could you just let me know so I can make my own plans.”

Yes, there is also the underlying issue of him having to tell you where he is at all times. Let’s just assume you’ve been together long enough that this would be considered respectful behavior.

Under no circumstances do you ever, I mean EVER, call him back multiple times in a row. I don’t care if you’ve been dating for 4 years. The only time this behavior is acceptable is when you think they are missing (and it’s been more than 24 hours), being held captive or in some real danger. If you find yourself obsessively calling your date, boyfriend or ex-boyfriend time and time again hoping he’ll answer, STOP. Take his number out of your phone, give your phone to a friend, go out and get a fucking hobby. Or better yet, therapy, because you’ve had a break with reality and it’s time to snap out of it.

If you are dating someone and you find yourself doing this, it’s a surefire way to end it quickly. If it’s an ex and you pull this shit, you’re only going to drive them further away. They broke up with you, they don’t want to “talk about it”. They don’t want to talk to you. That is what happens when you break up. Try and face it with some dignity, pride or a backbone is also good.

Go out and live your life. Do something cool, travel, skydive, get a makeover, but don’t call him. If they regret breaking up with you, this is a much better way to get their attention than incessant calling. If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for the rest of the women out there. I am so sick of everybody calling women psycho and this just adds fuel to the fire.

Maybe this one should have gone with RED instead of white for her big day… Oh and by they way, this image was aptly named “wedding beast”.

Anyway to my point… As shameful as it is to admit I was listening to 95 triple x this morning during my commute to work. While I was listening they played the below quote from some random movie:

“…did you say you wanted cheese on your burger sweetheart?”

“No I said I wanted to find whoever invented love and hack him up with a machete”

Ha, I laughed and agreed. Because who can’t relate to that at some point in their life? And then came my introspective moment… ugh.

I realized that I have spent the majority of my 32 years as a single person. That alone could be reason for depression, if I cared or was not the worlds pickiest person. As you know per my last post I went through a break up about 3 mos ago. I wish I could say I am past it more than I really am, but I am not. This I find especially troublesome because if I was a friend of mine, I’d be rolling my eyes and telling myself to get over it already. I have about no tolerance for this type of behavior in myself or others, but alas…

So what’s the mushy part you ask?

It is the thought that followed right after the acknowledgment that I am always single… that’s when it hit me. It is so completely dull to always be single. I mean this should be obvious based soley on the sheer lack of accessible sex, but it was not to me. I concluded I’d rather be heartbroken (even for longer than the allowable allotted time) than to just not take the chance. The chance is fun, the dating is fun, more often than not the sex is fun, really fun. So why not, right?

Maybe I grew a little with this revelation. Maybe my heart was like the Grinch’s heart on that faithful Christmas morning. When he heard the Who’s sing their Whoville song and his heart grew 10 sizes that day … Okay, maybe mine just grew one size.

NO one… I mean NO ONE could not turn that frown upside down after seeing this. Not possible.

Happy Friday.